4 replies to this topic

[Rich]

01. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

02. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

03. Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

04. Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

05. I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

06. Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p* nis enlarger.Just opened it and some b * st * rd's sent me a magnifying glass!

07. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

08. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

09. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

10. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said i would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.

11. Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

12. I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

13. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

14. Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.

[Rich]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres:

01. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

02. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

03. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

04. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

05. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .....

Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

06. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

07. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,

‘So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[Rich]

Teaching Maths in the UK

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitized debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Surrey and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage! send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

[Rich]

It has been suggested that the followers of the various religious groups may have different ways of dealing with that final inevitable event - the crash!

TAOISM -Crashes happen.
CONFUCIANISM - Confucius say crashes happen.
ISLAM - My plane crashed because it is the will of Allah.
CATHOLICISM - My plane crashed because I was naughty.
CALVINISM - It crashed because we didn’t work hard enough building it.
JUDAISM - It crashed because crashes always happen to us.
PRESBYTERIANISM - If there has to be a crash please let it be someone else’s plane.
HINDUISM - This crash has happened before.
MORMONISM - Crashes happened before and will happen again.
ATHEISM - Crashes don’t happen.
AGNOSTICISM - Maybe crashes happen and maybe they don’t.
STOICISM - Crashes happen, big deal, I can take it.
LUTHERANISM - My plane crashed but if I have faith it won’t happen again.

And it is not only religions which influence men’s thinking. How about these?

EGOTISM - (sung) I crashed it my way!
PROFESSIONALISM - I crashed it the proper way.
EROTICISM - I crashed it and it really turned me on.
PRAGMATISM. They crash, you repair them, and they fly again.
DOGMATISM. You didn't do it exactly the way I told you, so it was bound to crash.
NATIONALISM. I’m glad your model crashed because it serves you right for building a Stuka.
MARXISM. Your ARTF model crashed because it was a product of fascist imperialist exploitation of the impoverished proletariat working long hours in sweat shop factories......
IDEALISM. The day will soon dawn, my friends, when models will never, ever crash.

[pegleg]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick, It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"



I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

Edited by pegleg, 14 April 2012 - 06:32 PM.